What really causes people pleasing, and how to break free

What really causes people pleasing, and how to break free

So the question I get asked often is, 'How did I become a people pleaser?' Why does it seem like something so simple to someone else, like saying no or being confident, comes so easily and naturally to some, but for me, I have extreme anxiety just at the thought of telling someone no and disappointing them. 

It may sometimes feel like you weren’t taught or don't have the foundations that other people have. So things like saying no, asserting yourself, and standing up for yourself cause you to go into a worry spiral. Or when people are upset with you or you receive criticism, it sends you into self-doubt and anxiety. These dark spirals of self-doubt and worry are things most people just don’t understand or experience. It's important to note that people pleasing is a habit that has been learned and reinforced over time. 

So that’s why I’m choosing to start at the beginning. It’s helpful to understand the why and how before we can talk about changing the habit of people pleasing.

Before we talk about confidence and being more self-assured, asking for what you want, and setting boundaries, it’s helpful to talk about why these have become issues and barriers in the first place.

Let’s start with some messages you may have received as a child and throughout life as someone who has the habit of people pleasing as an adult.

You may have been led to believe directly or indirectly that…

I have to care for and be responsible for others. 

And this care for others is not just physical, but emotional as well. Common messages received directly or indirectly may have centered around. ‘I have to manage other people’s emotions’ and ‘I am responsible for others’ emotional responses.’ or ‘ My emotions can’t be separate from theirs.’ This leads to a lack of separation between you and others. You can only feel as good as someone else feels, and their emotional reaction to you. You and I are one, and there is a lack of boundaries between what I want and what you want, how you feel, and how I feel. Because I am responsible for you and must make sure you are taken care of physically and emotionally, it can lead to feelings of co-dependency and lead to behaviors of people pleasing.  

What others think of me is more important than what I think of myself

This may have looked like always having to look perfect on the outside. Having been frequently told to keep it together. There may have been a huge emphasis on looking the part, keeping it together, and putting on a brave face to alter or control the perceptions of you to others. This behavior leads to seeking the approval and validation of others and putting a lot of value on their perceptions of you and what they think of you. 

I’m not good enough/my worth has to be earned 

My worth has to be earned and quantified. I measure my worth by the praise I receive from others or how well I achieve. I am what I achieve. I am as valuable as others say I am, and give me acknowledgment for. By constantly receiving praise for accomplishments, being good, and how nice you are, you learned that you’ll receive all the good feels and acceptance by pleasing others. This seems like an easy and tangible way to build self-esteem and worth; however, it leads to almost addictive behavior of pleasing others to receive worth and praise. 

I can’t do hard things or manage uncomfortable emotions 

You weren’t given the opportunity to do things that allowed you to grow in your self-esteem, such as taking up for yourself, sitting in the uncomfortableness of setting a boundary, choosing yourself, or letting someone down. You were maybe encouraged to take the path of least resistance, compromise, or go with the flow to avoid other people being angry, being uncomfortable, or you experiencing these feelings yourself. After doing this for so long, you begin to lose confidence in yourself to do these. Because these are some of the behaviors that build confidence, you are trapped in a cycle that doesn’t allow your confidence to grow. 

Other people will abandon me if I am myself

It's not safe for me to take up space. It’s not safe to show emotions or be myself. Strong emotions or having a different option were considered defiant. Whenever you did so, you were punished or explicitly or implicitly told to “get in line”. When showing strong emotions you may have been told to suck it up or felt like they were an inconvenience to someone. Leading you to feel like you constantly had to accommodate someone to belong or be accepted. So you learned to follow the rules and be who other people said you should be to have love and acceptance. 

These are just some of the common messages that people who have the habit of people pleasing may have received throughout their lives. What messages did you receive that impacted your self-esteem?  If you know someone who is a people pleaser or has a habit of people pleasing, forward this to them.

Learn more about support for people pleasing with self-confidence coaching or confidence counseling.